The Week in Yelp: Yelpers Are Ready for Some Football

From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:

Ok, so we all know how wonderfully reliable Yelp can be in terms of finding a good restaurant (and yes, that's called sarcasm), but I thought it could at least be useful for finding a decent place to have a few drinks and watch a football game?

Wrong!

That would be asking a bit much from the magically demented minds of the Yelpies. My advice? If you want to watch football, order NFL Sunday Ticket, buy a six-pack and stay the hell home. But that's just me.

You all want this party started right? First up, a review of Mo’s Place in which we learn that it’s possible to do the Lambada to the U.S.C. fight song. I know, it hurts to think about. Fight on!

I was here last night, and couldn't wrap my mind around whatever the hell was going on, but was totally into it.

- the usc band was performing and playing lame college football fight songs.
- fries were good.
- the bartenders were freak dancing each other behind the bar (really? to fight songs?)
- an old man at the bar next to me asked me to punch someone for him.
- a man dressed as a female cheerleader (with far too much blush on, if you ask me) was yelling at everyone and giving out shitty raffle prizes.
- everyone was cheering "P-O-R-N!!!"
- i couldn't get my card back for quite some time, as the bartenders were in the parking lot kissing some creepy dudes.

I didn't see the man behind the name or any coke dealing, but that sounds kinda radical so I'll look for it next time.

You know what’s really radical? Coke dealing! (What is this, 1987?). You know what’s not radical? The bartenders kissing creepy dudes in the parking lot while you’re waiting to get a drink. Personally, I would have robbed the place. To teach them a lesson. You know.

Onward, Christian soldiers! Next up, an idiot whose hobby is driving “the mean streets of LA” in search of “really ghetto hole in the wall places.” How daring! How adventurous! How exciting! How?dangerous!

Heart like a lion, stomach like a goat, brain like turkey really describes some of my excursions driving through the mean streets of LA looking for really ghetto hole in the wall places. Today I'm exploring the concrete jungles of east LA and it is literally on the other side of the tracks (there are train tracks running along side of the road near this place). On my daring adventure I eyed this place and knew immediately I had to try it, I mean it's called Troy burgers and football season is upon us, I think it was foreshadowing of many wins this year and bad food to be had after a day of drinking, tailgating, and football. I walked in and was taken back a step, actually I gasped like a little school girl in southern Mississippi at what I saw inside. On the outside it appeared to be another little tiny ghetto hole in the wall burger joint. But when I entered it was a burger dream heaven. It was clean, very large and spacious, they even had video games which I had to hold off from playing. It was actually the olive garden of burger joints (not really nice and fancy but also not that ghetto). I walked up to the counter with the menu and my money and I asked the lady yo is this Kentucky Fried, oh sorry I must have been "illin" bad 80's rap reference for you kids under 25. No really I walked up to the counter and was greeted by the nicest lady who told me to take my time sweety. We ordered the carne asada dinner plate, pastrami combo and two orange bangs. I was amazed at the size of the portions please see above picture. For the price we paid and the amount of food we got this has got to be the best deal east of the 710 fwy! I am not known to take food home but even Kobayashi would have had a hard time here. This was a meal for two days. The food was actually really good, tasty and flavorful. This is the best bang for your buck during lunch and it's a great place. Well minus the shady stares by a couple of guys with the typical shaved head, mustache goatee combo, white t-shirt, super baggy jeans or khaki dickies, or shorts baggy enough to be pants or shorts that stop at the knees and socks that are pulled up past their knees, and of course tattoos on their arm of either their baby's face or their girlfriends name. But the food was so good and the portions were so big they didn't bother with a pretty boy like myself. Besides all that food will give you food coma. Parking kinda sucks and if you have a nice car park on the corners or in the further lot. Any place named after a great school with a great football team has got to be good. Did I mention football season is here? Man I've got problems, but if you don't try this place out then you have the problem man!!!!

Yeah, can you believe it? This place was in East L.A., and yet it was clean? Also, if I was the lady working behind the counter here and some jackass walked in and said “yo is this Kentucky Fried, oh sorry I must have been ‘illin,’” I think I may have punched him in the face. Anyway, sounds like this is a great place to eat during football season even if you are a total racist!

Next, a steakhouse where you can learn to do a touchdown with Coach Don Shula. It’s true, he just hangs out in there all day and feeds you steaks and teaches you how to do a touchdown. It’s an NFL training camp where you can also feast on a delicious filet mignon. No, really. All true.

For football fans you'll learn how to do a touch down with Coach Don Shula. He certainly knows meat as his meats are USDA Prime quality and very favorable. The meats are not dry and not soaked in too much seasoning for hours as it's just right. For meat lovers, you can go broke here. They of course, have large TV screens plastered with sporting events. The food is good quality as is women friendly as they fill your appetite.

Best line ever. The food is quality as is women friendly as they fill your appetite. Totally.

Um, here’s a nice place to take a little boat ride, have a few drinks, and eat a banana pepper and a dinner roll. But just don’t let your bitch-ass girlfriend force you to go here during a football game. Brotha.

This review is for the Newport Beach, CA location. The cruise itself is not bad, I mean it's a cruise you can't really mess that aspect up. It's pretty much a few laps around the harbor in Newport Beach, I went for the day cruise so we got to see a bunch of rich people toiling around on their yachts (damn bastards) and of course the requisite drunks that insist on shouting and yelling anytime someone goes by, one guy did moon us and almost fall out the boat - that was nice. And all the multi-million dollar homes - that pretty much does it for scenery.

The daytime cruise is advertised as an appetizer buffet. It's not. It's a lunch meal, hence I left out buffet. You get what they give you and that's it. In this case it was a tong full of salad, a serving spoon full of pasta, ONE chicken drumstick, one piece of potato, a pepperoncini & a dinner roll. Not even close to be enough for a cat like me. Seconds, maybe - only after the crew gets there's and we'll see what's left. Huh? Bring more food ya idiots.

On to the next item. Drinks. What is a cruise without drinks? It's not a cruise I wanna be on, I'll tell you that. So they have a policy of you having to buy two drinks beforehand, and this goes for everyone, even if you have a baby. So they charge you $20 for two drinks and then give you drink coupons upon getting on, good for beer, wine or a watered down mixed drink. Once that is depleted, which doesn't take long. The mixed drinks are still watered down but now they cost $10, at least the beer was reasonable at $4/5.

Now for the layout. First floor has a nice kinda living room setting, and I guess it's good for getting away from the DJ on the second floor. The second floor has a smoking section and a mini dance floor. The third level is open. Nothing really fancy, basic tables and chairs that you would find at like a wedding.

The other locations in NY and Chicago have a better cruise schedule as this one is pretty much on Saturdays only and with college football starting - that means I won't be there. But it's something to do for all you ladies with your girlfriends. Guys, if your here on a Saturday during football season . . .c'mon brotha, how whipped are ya?

I love Yelp reviews that let us ladies know what we would like to do with our girlfriends during football season. Oh so helpful. Thanks, dickhead.

And finally! Another annoying hipster gets run out of a bar that they had no business going into in the first place during a football game.

I stumbled in here one Sunday afternoon to get a cold beer. There was one guy passed out on the bar, one guy was swearing his head off over a football game, and one guy playing dice with the bartender.

Me and my friend were stoked and started laughing hysterically at the irony of a Conway Twitty album tucked between all the incomprehensible Chinese albums in the jukebox. However, upon hearing our laughter, swearing at the TV guy turned to us and growled, "Go back to the Lower Haight."

Fear of getting beat and locked into the basement shut us up quickly, but we resumed to laugh our asses off after we chugged our beer and were safely outside.

Definitely going back to this bar! Next time I'll remember to keep my laughter to myself.

What have we learned here? Conway Twitty is no laughing matter. Especially not during football season.

—Amy Blair