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Special Interactive Bonus: Name That 'Worst Restaurant Ever'

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We had the worst meal ever for our anniversary. We couldn't decide between the delicious-sounding offerings and opted for the tasting menu after our server assured us he could relay our interests to the kitchen. NOTHING requested was served. The menu format didn't even follow the description. Pacing was awful—15-20-minute lags between courses. The kicker: When leaving, after dropping nearly $300, we discovered my umbrella stolen from the stand immediately in front of the hostess. (Upon arrival, I asked if should check it, and she said, "Don't worry. I'll keep an eye on it.") Don't bother going.
The above email was received in the Eater inbox yesterday. But? Our tipster forgot to identify the venue at which this Worst Meal Ever went down. Thus, we turn that question over to you, dear readers—where do you think this couple dined? Bonus points for explaining your conclusion in detail.

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