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On Writing a Press Release for your New Meatpacking District Venue

So you've decided to open a venue in the Meatpacking District. Congratulations, baby! Once you get the real estate and the design and the liquor license and the sidewalk seating permit and an overdone theme and high-concept VIP cards, you'll need a press release to announce your venue to the world. And not just any press release. A Meatpacking District Press Release, filled with convoluted, preposterous prose that should mask your singularly financial goal -- to open a huge, overgrown venue designed to attract drunk but rich club-goers -- with marked incoherence and absurdity.

As you begin writing your release, you may want to follow the example of R & R @ Rare, scheduled to open early next month just across the street from Lotus. (You’re about to wish you were reading this for the first time all over again.)

This 5,000 square foot venue, equipped with a powerhouse sound system, two bars, three separate rooms, and an overall low-key vibe is exactly what this neighborhood needs.
Do you see the massive contradiction there? Convincing, yes. But there is more.
Brinton [Brewster, the designer] shares the consultant’s vision of keeping the space simple yet chic with an overall feel of dressed down glamour. The stage room is upholstered with black and white paten leather with an eclectic feel of an old-school rock bar. Offering a warm laid-back vibe the bar lounge which is painted chocolate brown incorporating uncomplicated lines and shapes. The back room provides a colorful bohemian essence with oranges and yellows mixed throughout. R & R @ Rare will balance out the Meatpacking District’s high profile venues with a space that will offer an organic feeling of being at home.
Note the trick here of NOT using the conventions set forth by the English language to serve as a smoke screen for a huge lie. What you missed here, while you tried to figure out what you'd just read, is the simple fact that the venue will bear no resemblance whatsoever to the organic feeling of being at home. Tricky.

To review, contradiction, fragments and blatant lies good, especially in combination; plain English, bad. In case you need more help, we’ve provided the release in all its glory below. Please, though, you can get in trouble for plagiarism these days. No cutting and pasting.
· R&R @ Rare Official Press Release [.pdf download]